I delivered what would be, our greatest miracle; September 03′
I know you’ve heard this before- the young couple, we knew all, had read every book, had a birth plan in writing, and about 10 copies made… No epidural. This was going to be natural! I was strong. I even had wide hips- a sure fire sign of my natural born ability to bear, and birth children, right?
We knew was big. Induced three weeks early with him over 9lbs. My mother, husband, and aunt figure who is a FNP. 1cm, 1hr. 2cm, 2hrs. 3cm, 3hrs. I KNEW it! I was textbook, and so was my baby.Right up until 7cm. 7hrs, 10, 14, 16. Back labor, repeated halfway walks. The hospital was so small I kept running into Tue anesetesologist who would say “Need me yet?” Why tempt me? I’m set in my resolve for a natural delivery. After all, all greats where born from pain whether it be art, invention, or people. Finally, 20 hours later, I was at 10 thanks to pitosin raging through my IV. God, the pain.
My husband, a silent man- knew my tendacy to cuss like a sailor when I hurt myself. He asks “Please don’t cuss, during delivery. You can yell, but no cussing please.” I was empowered. It was time to push. I had made it, all going to plan- mostly. The pain, My pelvis felt broken. No cussing. No yelling.
I harnessed my power.
My mother on the left counting to 10 so slow it was “one, alligator, alligator, alligator. Two…..” My husband on the right so excited he was yelling so fast and loud “12345678910PUSH!” I remember thinking ugg his breathe smells like pizza and I having eaten in 48 hrs. I wish I could tell them both to he quite… Instead I took it all in, and counted in my head. No cussing, no yelling.
The Doctor offers my husband to come see our sons full head of hair crowning! Now he’s so excited he yells faster, all the while my FNP/aunt was talking to another Dr. The pain! My pelvis. What back labor? Pretty sure my pelvis is broken. No cussing no yelling. Four hours of pushing. His heartbeat ununwavering, a second Dr comes in and says I need a c-section.
What? That’s not on the birth plan!
I’ve gone WITHOUT pain meds, and pretty sure I pooped on the table… C-sectiin was needed immediately. Emergency c section… I cried “You mean these hips are for nothing?!” My excited husband began to cry. I felt like a failure.I began imploring, explainingthat iI could “do a better job, and try harder.”
Crap. Out of 8 classes, we missed 1 week, but c sections was discussed that week. They tied down my arms! Did you know that they do that? I didn’t. I was so scared. The doctor said our baby would be out in under 5 minutes. It’s 9:30am, 9:40am- Dr scurrying, pulling, tears, no baby. 9:50, more pulling. No cussing, no screaming.Second iincision creating a (T) 9:55, more pulling. 10:01 HE IS HERE!! They pull out our fighter!
A miracle, our miracle.
No limp baby here; he screams, and as they raise him above the blanket he throws out his arms.. He didn’t curl in, he let everyone know he was here! They handed him to my husband, and I skipped past the failed birth plan to my Hollywood expectations of my son turning to me to tell me “thank you” “you are so beautiful” it doesn’t happen. That man, the love of my life looked our son in his eyes, and I saw instant, and true love. He gazed at him with a pride I’d had never seen.
I hate to admit it, but I was mad… Nothing had went to plan, and now, do bto a double incision – was told I could never have a natural delivery. There was cussing, and there was yelling this time.. Only it was internal, and after the delivery.
You know what? I regret, EVERY SINGLE moment I wasted on being “mad” or “disappointed”.
Its been almost 12 years, many miscarriages, and the last hospital delivery was with our twin sons, at 18 weeks. What I wouldn’t give for any delivery of a healthy baby. Birth plan, or none, medicated or not, yelling or not. Our miracle is 11, and I thank God for him every day. If I could give anyone, any advice about to deliver, it would be “By your husband mints. Cuss and yell if you want to. You aren’t a failure if you use pain meds.
A c section doesnt make you any less of a woman.
And regardless of plans know that children are miracles, and NEVER take the experience of giving birth to one, for granted!
Thank you very much to Zaundia who submitted this empowering birth story!